The world is coming to an end!!!!!!

Anyone else completely tired of this bullshit swine flu coverage?  Seriously I try to be a good upstanding citizen and log on to cnn.com first thing in the morning, and this is the photo I see.  My fault really, I guess that is what you get when you use the internet for anything other than porn.  

Anyway, about this epidemic.  Mexican health officials (good lord, there are 3 words that deserve a post of their own, I am quite certain I am over qualified to be a Mexican health official) suspect swine flu has killed at 159 deaths and 2,500 illnesses.  The World Health Organization says there have been 112 confirmed cases.   

You know what disease causes between 250,000 and 500,000 deaths a year????  The flu.  So let's just look at that range, if we were to say 1,000 people died a day that would be 365,000, so right in the middle.  And we are worried because it mutated to a strand that has, by Mexican health officials estimates, killed 159.  

Think about how you stop the spread of the flu, basically stop being a slob and be clean.  Wash your hands, use tissues, drink liquids, etc, etc.  Quick name a filthy country where every time you go there at least 5 people will make a joke beforehand about "not drinking the tap water".  Is it really so damn shocking that a country that has problems with quality tap water would get it's ass kicked by the flu?  

But now thanks to the media trying to play off of people's fears it is being reported like the world is ending tomorrow.  And the sad shit is people believe it!  Which again is another reason why I hate people.  As a species we are so fucking neurotic we spend all of our time looking for what is going to kill us next.  Either that or it is an elaborate hoax created by the makers of those little blue masks designed to increase sales.  

Well here is an image that should make you feel warm and fuzzy. A quadruple amputee had a fight this week in Alabama (imagine that, could it take place anywhere else). Unfortunately he lost. I would like to make a joke, but there is a picture of an amputee getting punched in the face, depending on your perspective, there isn't a joke that can make that funny or there isn't a joke that can make that any funnier.

Midget, er dwarf, er little people Comedy

So I was watching a movie about 11pm thursday night and caught a seen that would have had me rolling on the floor laughing had everyone in my house been asleep. Two Irish hitmen - Ray (Colin Ferrell) & Ken (Brendan Gleeson) - found themselves in a hotel room with 2 Belgian hookers (yes, both of them had all their limbs) and an American midget. The 4 1/2 of them were sharing stories and 5-grams of cocain. The start of the sceen began with Ray asking the midget if he'd ever considered killing himself because he was a midget - I myself thought that was hilarious, I mean how long did we work together and NEVER think of that (at least I don't think we did). Then the midget got all 'philisophical', describing his belief that an all out war was to ensue between the whites and the blacks - amoung hundreds of other questions, Ray asked him if all the white midgets and all the black midgets would fight each other. The midget, annoyed, said that they would. Well, after some time, Ray & Ken decide to leave and take their "stuff" with them, but not before the midget tried to steal one last line. Well, Ray snatched it up before the midget could get his last snort. It was funny enough seeing a midget snorting coke, and even funnier seeing him get pissed that he didn't get his last line. But what had me in internal stitches was Ray's reaction - he appeared scared that the midget would bite him, so he threatened the midget with a karate chop. The midget called Ray's bluff - "you don't know karate", at which point Ray karate chopped the midget in the neck, which somehow "de-cleated" the midget, who fell a violent 3 feet to the ground. While this is comedy gold in itself, the 3 foot fall looked just like that midget in that Springer clip, which only made me laugh even more. The movie is 'In Bruges'.

DISCLAIMER: I realize that Jack has probably seen this movie 8 times, and could have painted a much better picture than I did here. Having said that, go watch the movie yourself!

Death Rabbits

At the end of this summer, I will be 2 years removed from Grad school. See people, 2 years will pass - YOU COULD BE DONE NOW! With a full-time job, a part-time school schedule, and 2 young children, there wasn't time for anything. Soon after I finished school, I started a new job and spent the next year getting to know a new company and a new industry (working late didn't suck). And since I move much faster than the 'process' does (learning corn has come really easy to me for some reason), I am finding more 'idle' time - no school, kids have 'things' going on ... I have some free time. This begs the question: what now?

And then it hit me ... DEATH RABBITS!

Redneck Faux Pas

So I think I accidentally stuck my foot in my mouth this afternoon.  On my little redneck street there was a crazy old bat that lived across the street.  This lady was 90 years old and was in everyone's business.  She knew the ends and outs of the neighborhood and would gladly tell you what someone else was doing wrong.  

Well the good lord saw fit to call this angel back to heaven a few weeks ago.  In her will she instructed for her house to be auctioned off and the proceeds going to the church.  A few weeks ago was the auction, which I decided to attend because who is going to pass up the chance to walk through someone else's house, and the house sold for a staggering 26 thousand dollars.  I know, I live in a ritzy neighborhood, it's alright to be jealous.  I talked to the dude who bought the house and believe it or not he is not planning on moving into the house, he is going to rent it slumlord style.  

I came home today and the lady who lives in the house next door to the one who sold at auction was out front staring at her tree.  Apparently I shot her a look of "Why is this crazy lady just staring at a tree?" because she decided to start talking to me to try and explain her staring.  The conversation eventually moved to our deceased neighbor.  Now these two old gals hated each other, they drove each other nuts, it was pretty funny to watch sometimes.  So imagine my surprise when she starts talking about how much she'll miss her and how she wasn't that bad of a neighbor.  

We then began discussing the sale of the house and I told her that I had met the dude and had his card and told him I'd watch out for anything unusual going on.  She was disheartened to learn that he would be renting the house and said she hoped it would be to a good elderly couple who would keep up the house, not a family with 5 kids (apparently Kyle would be her worst nightmare).  I decided to crack a funny and said "Don't worry if I see 5 kids running around I'll call the guy up and tell him they are selling meth out of the house!"  Her face just dropped and the conversation was over.  As I was walking back to my house it hit me, oh shit she must either sell meth or know someone who does.  

Moral of the story kids, don't make funnies without first knowing if you are talking to a meth head.  

Another lovely day

So you remember those buses that would park out on 4th St Live? Yeah I've had to work in one of those all day. Got here at 10:30 and am supposed to be here until 4:30. It's a 5/3rd bus and they asked us to be on here to talk to anyone needing foreclosure help. Know how many people we have talked to? Zero. What a waste of a fucking day. On the bright side I have had internet access all day, so I've been able to play online at least. Also thankfully 5/3rd has no internet block, so I've been living on facebook all day.

Which brings up a decent question, Is the whole facebook phenomenon a good thing or a bad thing? I mean on one had it is nice because you get to keep up with assholes you don't want to take the time to actually call. Downfall is inevitably you befriend someone who is obsessed with the damn thing and updates it constantly. Just a weird thing that I am sure is another foreshadow of the downfall of society.

Head Basketball Coach

I must admit that I am disappointed that I - or my people - were never contacted about the Arizona Men's Head Basketball Coach. Well, it could be because a day in the life of my last job consisted of the following:

• 7:30 - 7:45: stumble to my desk, check email to see how much trouble I DIDN'T cause; usually whatever I did caused problems and whatever I didn't do caused problems, and I never found out until it was time to pass out raises - I felt like Milton waiting for his piece of cake
• 8:00 - 9:15: 'browse' the internet-this is a very broad 'surf' as it is a LONG day; it ranges from espin to UK message boards to youtube clips until the bastards shut it down - those freakin' bastard suns-a-biches! After that, it was adultswim, but they took that away too - that was the last straw
• 9:15 - 10:00: make my way, along with some of me fellow sheep, across the street for a morning feeding and to catch up on sportscenter (I didn't want to run the risk of my eyesight deteriorating from staring at a computer monitor for so long, causing my former employer to pay millions in damages, so I took a break, a much needed break; plus, I didn't want Matt Damon and Clair Danes to find true love again in the made-for-tv-movie about my case) they should never have taken adultswim, they took youtube, but they should've left adultswim, the production we say they lost, but never really lost 'cause we were never gonna do anything anyway, but they took it, they took adultswim, and that was the last straw)
• 10:00 - 10:02: check to see if any new work-email arrived; this way I can print and file them appropriately so that I don't leave the next bee vertically limited in a body of water without a means of motion, just my way of showing that I don't really care)
• 10:02 - 11:59: 'browse' internet in more detail; by this time, the sun has risen in the west and there are Frisky Dingo clips to view, ah, the Frisky Dingo clips - they freakin' took adultswim, those mother-freakin' whorish bastards, I didn't crawl through the muck and see my buddies lay head first .. i'm finishin' my coffee, i'm finishin' my dam coffee)
• 11:59 - 12:36: walk around to see what everyone was doing for lunch; not necessarily my initial trek through the farm, but one that usually occurred each day at this time - it was for a very important purpose, who else - besides us - was going to make sure that the rest of the farm got their nourishment - who, who I ask?)
• 12:36 - 1:09: walk across street to purchase lunch (if needed); sometimes, when the stars were aligned in the shape of a hanger (sorry Kyle), everyone would have prepared their lunch, thus dismissing the need for a venture to the outside for afternoon nourishment
• 1:09 - 2:21: lunch in the lunchroom; ...eh, not enough time
• 2:21 - 2:29: walk, mentally handicapped, back to the 4th floor; this could be a result of sitting in the same position for so long in a very uncomfortable chair telling tales of yester-year when I was a young lad, but it wasn't
• 2:29 - 2:54: check to see any if any 'new' internet musings have surfaced; by this time, the morning happenings have usually been made available to the masses, and before those suns-a-biches peed on my f#*kin' rug, I would excitedly rush to my hay stack for the newest Venture Bros. - they peed on my f#*kin' rug, they peed on my f#*kin' rug
• 2:54 - 3:18: complete daily work 'crap'; there comes a time in every job when you just have to suck it up and get something done because there are bills to be paid and mouths to feed, unfortunately, that dam spider sings her words of a grown-up world, dam bich and her freakin guilt trip
• 3:18 - 3:42: walk across street for much needed break; please reference the morning break for purpose; this was usually to a different barn, if you will, as variety can sometimes be a good thing, we weren't hungry, just looking for something out of the ordinary - a bum, a midget, a former coworker.
• 3:42 - 3:57: last internet check @ work, close up shop; alas, the day comes to a close; I wrap up any articles I have been reading, check one last time to see of the Sports Guy posted anything new, and then close down my little hay stack, i'm free to leave what trouble I have caused - or haven't - and make the trek to my mo-bile, and then home
• 3:57: this is Rome - I'm out (I HATE that guy, I mean Chris Evert should have laid him out!)

DISCLAIMER: this is a fictional day-in-the-life, written through the eyes of a weary, sinus-infected fictional character.